Pinned toot

I was born when a tramp wanked onto a pile of flood-damaged Judas Priest albums that a record shop had thrown out. Lightning struck the cummy pile, and brought it to life. My mum is Judas Priest, my dad is cum.

When I was a kid I made a tape copy of the Nirvana CD "In Utero" by playing it on a Windows 98 computer one of my relatives had hooked up to a stereo system, but he had a G.I. Joe theme installed, and I was using the computer for other things at the same time, so the copy of the album I had was full of random samples of Cobra Commander shouting at people, and the real version of the album has never sounded quite right to me without the yelling

'Rent is £100 a month plus bills'
'...What's the catch?'
'In one of the bedrooms is my stinky brother. He's basically the King of the Hobos, and he cooks fish at 3am and then leaves the fishy pan out all night without even putting it under water. It's like living in a house haunted by a smelly poltergeist who also sheds hair.'
'Uuuuuurgh'

When my mum eventually dies (hopefully not for another 30 years or so), I dunno what Bro2 is gonna do. He dropped out of A-levels and then did absolutely knob all. Plays games all day, doesn't work, doesn't look for work. No National Insurance credits, so he'll have no pension. He won't be able to get a job. I guess we'll have to sell mum's house, and he uses his share to spend the rest of his life eating 10p noodles in a crappy bedsit. Unless the 'reverse lodger' from previous toot is a thing.

Is there something like having a lodger, but in reverse? As in, the landlord lives in just one room of the house, and the renter pays the bills plus a small sum of rent for the landlord to buy food. Basically, the renter gets to live in a house for low rent, and the catch is that some other cunt lives there too.

Let's give away a £600 item when the customer spends £100! What could possibly go wrong?!

thehustle.co/the-worst-sales-p

I made a toot on the 1st of January 2019 saying "My current goal for this year is to negotiate a pay rise and (start to) save up enough money for a deposit on a mortgage."

I did it. I negotiated a pay rise and I'm expecting to move into my own flat in September. I fucking did it.

My current goal for this year is to negotiate a pay rise and (start to) save up enough money for a deposit on a mortgage.

I'm trying Instagram again - I'm isopodeggs if you want to follow me on there.

Mum is at the zoo with Bro1. He farted and startled a tiger awake.

Have you heard the one about the man with an elephant's cock for a head? Show more

My mum's friend couldn't remember if I was vegan or vegetarian. She asked but fucked it and said 'you're vegetables, aren't you?'

Keep catching myself muttering 'baby need snack' when I'm hungry. Stupid internet.

I get worried when I order in a café and they say 'we'll bring your order out to you' and they don't give you a table number or ask where you'll be sitting or anything. You're just going to... remember what I look like?? Like some kind of wizard???

I've got two door hangers in my hotel room: a 'please make up my room' one and a 'do not disturb' one. Why both? The 'please make up my room' one implies that if I DON'T hang it up, the staff won't make up my room. So why do I need a do not disturb sign?

Microsoft are rotten for not letting you have swears in your custom Xbox controller engraving. You can't say "I want you to go in that bag and find my Xbox pad - It's the one that says bad mother fucker on it."

'Holmes, why are you painting the doorframe yellow?'
'Because I'm off my fucking tits on laudanum and cocaine, my dear Watson.'

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Bibeogaem Zone

Hello! Welcome aboard. We're a small, friendly instance for silly people who like funny swearing and computer games. We're LGBT friendly and try to be as inclusive as possible. No knobheads.

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